Monday, 19 March 2007

On behalf of Generation X,

On behalf on Generation X I’d like to thank everyone else for the bang up job they’ve been doing!
Thanks very fucking much!
Now before I start, let me just quote a movie to keep the following prattle in perspective, so you get a good idea where I’m coming from…
Scene: King and his dashingly handsome son standing by a window of their castle looking out across theirs lands.
King: one-day son, all this will be yours.
Son: What…the curtains?
One day all this will be yours. The older generation passing on what’s been in their care for the last two decades, along with the collected wisdom of their age.
Again- thanks very fucking much!
Why the anger you ask? Well, let’s have a look at this lemon you’re trying to fob off on us.
Generation X are the cleaners that have come into work after the staff Christmas party. There’s shit everywhere. Vomit covering all the toilets, the bins are overflowing and there’s a decidedly evil smell coming from the waste paper bin in the corner. Half eaten food and glasses in various stages of emptiness are scattered everywhere, reminiscent of the forests that once covered the planet.
“Don’t bother tidying up- the cleaners will get it in the morning!”
Well that’s us. All you arseholes from the 60’s and 70’s have really done a job on us haven’t you? There’s not a thing you haven’t busted or fouled and left for us to deal with. The environment, the economy, Jesus even society has one decidedly wobbly tire that’s going to fall off unless someone does something about it soon…and you even managed to fuck up the water! How on god's green earth do you fuck up water? Didn’t any of you idiots’ think, ‘hey, we need this shit to survive?’
Apparently the answer is no!
Don’t bother tidying up- the cleaners will get it in the morning!”
Each generation is supposed to be the opposite of the one that came before it. In the 50’s and 60’s you had all this paranoia about commies and space invaders and you decided you couldn’t trust your kids because they listened to evil rock and roll, which sounded like a dentist drill to you. But these kids escaped your psychoses by becoming hippies and political activists…no one was going to tell them what to do! So they took drugs and listened to even louder music and managed to freak everyone else out because basically, they had no jobs and kool combie-vans and were having all the sex anyone could ever want and you were pissed off because you hadn’t thought of it first!
Well this just went on and on until disco and the 80’s came along. Disco fucked everything up for everyone. We have it to thank for those wonderful 70’s and 80’s pop songs(what the hell is a Babushka?), that terrible 90’s techno shit (anyone remember jive bunny?) and the turn of the century’s sudden love of what they call ‘R&B’. Some guy grabbing his crotch and talking into a mike is not R&B- unless of course the name contains to the rhythm of hitting your head against a wall why listening to that shit and the blues you feel afterwards when you realised you paid good money for that crap!
And as for you 80’s monsters, you were the worst of the lot! “Greed is good” I believe the catch phrase was.
Well lets see here, all the ‘young adults’ that grew up with this motto are now running all the companies and governments today. Hmmm. High flying execs living the good life and running their business’s -I’m sorry, did I say 'their', I meant the business’s they are ‘caretakers’ off- by profit margin rather then quality of output. Instead of making money by, oh I don’t know, building a better mousetrap, these pricks think everything is everyone else fault and they’re all going to fucking pay. Sales down, output falling, loss of marketplace, well it’s the little fucker on the factory floors fault- you know, the lazy ones who steal everything not bolted down. I know, I’ll sack half of them and decrease wages while increasing the workload of the few that are left. That'll turn this company around!
And then the keys are handed to us! Generation x…the hope of the future. Well thank you very fucking much. There’s never, and I mean ever, been a generation of kids that are as guilt ridden as us. I mean everyone else has had the parties and the good times and made all the money and then simply stepped aside and said…
“And one day all this will be yours.”
You broke the environment. Having cut down all the trees for your rollies, eaten all the whales in your sushi rolls, while leaving your beer cans on anything even close to a horizontal surface, you’ve now handed the keys to us with a grin on your face like a second hand car dealer fobbing a lemon off for a song. “Here ya’ go kid, you deal with it.”
So we join the animal rights movements and we march at the rallies and we try and apply what political power we have to the problem, but we’re told that’s it’s a lost cause. The animals are dying off at a species a minute while the pollution you fuckers dumped into the atmosphere will continue to build up for decades yet… and that’s not all you’ve done, is it you bastards.
We also have to enter a workforce where these 80’s power greed fuckers are now running everything into the ground. Business are staffed at their lowest levels ever, in search of that all important profit margin, while governments keep squeezing every cent out of us because our stupid hippy parents were to stupid to keep these fuckers in check and now the non-kool kids, you remember them, the ones that were laughed at for all those years, well they’re running everything…and they still remember the hurt and they’re going to make everyone as miserable as they were. If they couldn’t have fun and sex then no-one will!
You’re also not dying and retiring you fuckers! You’re living longer than any generation before and you’re working until your 100. No longer is the natural process of burrowing your way up through a company and taking over from the old man once he gets his gold watch or is carried out feet first, a job strategy anymore. You fuckers are intent on living forever and taking it all with you!
Everything is bad. Driving cars is bad, eating food is bad, drinking milk and eating eggs is bad. You’ve filled us up with chemically produced margarines and unnaturally flavoured red cordial. You’ve made us paranoid about eating bacon and having unsafe sex because just about everything good and fun and tasty will kill us thanks to you!
And worst of all you’re blaming us for this next generation of fuckers. You got gangs of uncontrollable kids running the streets and terrorising everyone, and you have the balls to blame us. Well I got new for you, we’ve been so busy saving fucking trees and growing organic vegetables (apparently they were robotic before we came along), and having all that wonderful condom protected sex so that we don’t DIE that none of us have had any kids! They’re not ours, they’re yours. All these feral hooligans are the product of over achieving 80’s wankers who are only now dropping sprogs in their twilight years, and you're so old and tired from all the drugs and multi-corporate buyouts that you can't control these little fuckers, and you’re hoping that everyone will just blame it on us!
And best of all…you fuckers are intending one day to retire to the good life, you kow, the one with the baby seal fur lined suitcase full of money from the business you wrought and the woodchip sales you made, and you're going to sit back and wait for us to fix it all and look after you in the twilight of your life!
Well guess what... it ai’nt gonna’ happen. More and more we are starting to force our way 'in'. We're getting into the good jobs and the political positions and it's only going to get worse. There's no generation that is more determined then we are. There is no generation more savvy to the mistakes of our forbearers and the bullshit they’ve dumped on us…and we will get our revenge! The tiny, environment friendly latrine filled retirement homes that will be powered by the decomposing garbage and bodily fluids of the ‘inmates’ are being built. We’ll dump you in them and then forget about you while we get to work planting whales and using the space shuttle to fix the ozone layer with Spak-filler and Blu-tac. We will be sweeping your footprints from our forests and ajaxing the targets off the side of every animal still left alive while forcing vat grown tasteless protein meals down your throat. We will be taking to the skies in our hover cars- oh believe me… we have them…we’ve had them for ages, we’ve just been waiting for you fuckers to piss off because you simply don’t deserve that much fun! We'll live in the oceans and on the moon, in great clean cities and we'll replace our organs with cheap, regenerated ones from stem cells while you’re tapped into an old petrol guzzling blood pumper here on earth.
And best of all, we'll leave this next generation, you know, the ones with the terrible music and the A.D.D pill addictions, to care for you while we're off living in the stars!
And one day, all this will be yours…”
“No thanks, you keep it!”

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